I have always kept a journal, even if I only write a couple times a year. My blog has slowly turned into a version of that. A place to document my feelings, experiences, and memories with my growing family. Something to look back on so I never forget. I will mention that this blog post isn’t for anyone. I don’t even know if any of you will relate. But this post is 100% meant for me. So if you don’t want to read about breastfeeding then continue no further and thank you for reading this far! I really do appreciate all of you who follow along.
It has been 5 days since I last nursed either of my twins. I guess I’ve put off saying that “I’m done” out loud because I am sad about it. Mainly because I don’t want to be done. I love those moments with them both nestled in my arms and having a quiet minute or two. Now I pass them a sippy cup as they run by squealing! Which I love too, but I can’t help but feel like I am missing out on one of my favorite parts of motherhood. Maybe I am a little hippie and always have been, but a barefooted woman with a baby at her breast is one of my favorite sights. Or maybe I am just having a hard time trying to adjust to my new role as a mom of toddlers and not little nurslings.
A letter to my daughters
There have been a few moments when I knew you wanted to nurse and wondered why I wouldn’t let you. I cried with you. I so badly wanted to give you what you and I both wanted, but I didn’t want to be bit again. You both have teeth like baby sharks! I also didn’t want to nurse you and repeat with a bottle. It’s been a process that’s been bringing me down a little. Not being able to keep you full and creating double (felt like quadruple) the work for myself of nursing, bottle and repeat again! But I did it for you both for one year and I am proud of myself and you.
You didn’t make it easy in the beginning, but nothing that wonderful is ever easy. As we are at the end though, you both make saying goodbye really hard. I have always referred to you as “my little nurslings” and I loved that you needed me more than anyone else. Change is always hard and this is a big change for me! For 21 months I was your vessel to be used as you needed. Now it feels as if I am not needed anymore. You both seem so big and independent, and it breaks my mama heart to know I will never nurse you again.
I wish I could experience the first time I nursed you both at once. Both of your tiny sucks creating this rhythmic pattern that not many get to experience. Nursing two babies at once. I wish I could see you both looking up at me while nursing, and maybe even catch a glimmer of a smile or watch you hold hands just one more time. I will miss both your happy little feet kicking with excitement until you were so milk drunk you passed out right there on my chest.
I will miss all these things immensely, but I am excited to watch you grow into young beautiful ladies. I don’t wish to hold you back. I just wish to soak in every ounce of every phase because “time is a thief” as they say, and I feel like I have been robbed. Someday, when you are a mother you will understand. So don’t question why I cry as you grow older. Don’t ever wonder why I still hold you like a baby even though you hate it. And above all else, I hope you never ponder my love for you. I have given you both life my dear, sweet daughters and I can’t wait to watch you both live it out to its fullest!