My twins are finally down for their nap and this mom is taking a huge sigh of relief and tip toeing out the door. I love my children but they have been testing me lately! I have gone back and forth with writing this post. To some it may seem like a long novel complaining about useless things, but to me it is important that I remember this feeling and write it down. I sometimes feel blessed (or burdened) with double the love (or work).
You see, being a new mom is hard. Waking in the middle of the night, figuring out how to breastfeed, how to soothe your new baby, and you suddenly become this tired, selfless, over worked and underpaid version of the old you. But having two infants to care for when you are brand new at it?? It has been terrifying! I keep waiting for the time when I can take big sigh of relief, like when the twins are napping, and think to myself I have mastered the art of parenting! Now I will sit back and enjoy!! That time has never come around and I have two 9 month olds!! Where has the time gone? I feel like the best year of my life, or what should’ve been, has been swept up and ruined by the fact that I can’t seem to feel like I am enough for my girls. Like I said before, I love my children, they are my greatest accomplishments and always will be. There is nothing else I will leave behind in this world but my kids and I take great pride in that. But I can never give them my undivided attention because they are twins, meaning two, and I am just me, only one person! Time is split 50/50. True cuddles means taking turns, because you can’t truly cuddle two screaming babies at once. I want to give Auri 100%. I want to give Ellie 100%. I simply can’t.
I can recall the time when I stood over both of them crying, trying to decide who was crying worst. Deciding who I was going to pick up and comfort first. Meanwhile listening to a baby who needed me. I rocked and cooed with hands and feet trying to be enough for both of them. I realized I wasn’t and I may never be! It was heartbreaking! I cannot tell you how many times I have faced that same decision, who to pick up first. Too many times to count! Each and every time I feel so terrible. So guilty. (Why did I pick you up first?? Do I hold you more??) I wish I was more than one person and could give them my all.
It has gotten easier I will admit. Their newborn heads got stronger, I could pick them both up easily. Breastfeeding got easier and they latched themselves on so I could feed them both at once. They can now follow me from room to room and play together so well. Hearing them talk and laugh to one another makes my heart so happy. Makes me realize just how lucky and blessed I am! But, when they both are at my heels crying I can’t help but feel so burdened with two babies.
They realize they aren’t being held, and they want in on the action too. Crying it out doesn’t work when there are two babies in the same room. I can’t lay two sleeping babies down at once. Heaven forbid I get them both asleep in my arms at once, and have to lay them down. This almost always results in one baby waking and crying and having to repeat the process over again. Why can’t I enjoy the fact that I got them both asleep! The only thought in my mind is how I am going to lay them down! I pray every day that we stay on the same schedule or it will be back and forth feedings, changes and naps all day! To top it all off, let’s share our colds and grow the same teeth at the same time! Twins are crazy hard you guys. I wish them on everyone!!
I can’t help but feel like unless you have twins, you don’t understand. Unless you had to choose what crying newborn to soothe you wont fully comprehend. Your babies that are a year a part don’t count. Like I said before, I was hesitant to write this because I may rub someone the wrong way. I realized this post was for me, a healthy way to vent, and something I can hopefully overcome and look back on.
I want to enjoy myself and my kids. I don’t want to keep feeling like time is being taken from me. I will give them both 100%, even though it won’t be at the same time. I need to accept it. Instead of looking at mom’s enjoying their one baby, being jealous that they get to do that, I need to embrace both of my babies, I am blessed enough to have them. Even if while I smother one with kisses I can hear jealous cries in the background.
To any mom’s of twins reading this, know that there are mom’s who understand the struggle. To any mom’s in general, I hope you enjoyed imaging what it would be like to have two little angels (or devils) to take care of.