I often hear, “How lucky you get to stay home!” but the truth is I don’t feel lucky. I don’t know when exactly I started to feel this way, but I do know it is a feeling that keeps growing. So maybe by writing it all down and sharing it with other mom’s who may feel the same way, it will be somewhat therapeutic for me.
I don’t feel lucky to be staying at home with my kids.
I also am filled with immense guilt because I feel this way.
Instead I feel like I’m the unlucky one in the situation.
But my husband feels that he is the unlucky one.
The real kicker is both of us are probably right! Even though I always think I am. Grass is always greener on the other side and we both understand how each other feels. At least in an empathetic way I know he misses out on a lot and I know I am lucky to witness all the funny (and sometimes devilish) things our kids do during the day.
I mentioned before I don’t know when this feeling started, but I do know that today it started at 4 AM. We were both tossing and turning in bed listening to one baby cry, but it was me who got up because “I am lucky enough to stay home.”
Then it hit me again at 7 AM when my husband kissed me goodbye and threw two babies in my lap. Will the anxiety of being left alone with these two ever go away?? Will I ever feel lucky to be the one staying home?
Then it hit me again when my husband called and asked, “what are your plans for the day?” And I not so lovingly answered, “same as every other day. What do you think?”
You see its only 10 AM and I have felt this way ALL.MORNING.LONG! But really I went to bed feeling that way. I woke up yesterday feeling that way. I most likely will wake up tomorrow feeling the same way.
I will feel this way again tonight when my husband comes home and tells me all about his job. Things he accomplished today and funny conversations he had with his coworkers. I will listen as best as I can about construction work and feel like I missed out on a day in the real world. He will catch up on what the kids did and feel like he missed out on time with them.
The kicker again is we are both right to feel that way. But I am tired of feeling this way. So what do I do know? Get a part time job to send my kids away to someone else? Or throw the kids in my husband lap and run out of the house screaming every time he comes home? Truth is that’s my favorite time of day. When we are all together and I am no longer outnumbered, and I can enjoy my family and talk with my husband. I would hate to miss out on that. But I would also hate to miss out on the type of mother I could be if I was able a few minutes to breath out in the real world.
I think stay at home moms, or at least me, feel this way because we see success as something else. When I dream of success it is filled with nice jobs, nice pay, getting told “good job” or “keep up the good work”. So when my husband comes home telling me about his successful day I don’t want to hear it. All I can think about is I wished I had funny stories to tell or conversations to share but instead I have the same old stories. The same old day. I am glad he had a good day at work but I imagine the hours I spent alone, isolated in the house with a tiny army I created and I want to run out the first chance I get. But I know I would come running home the minute I thought about what I was missing out on.
I can’t seem to find a balance. I can’t seem to feel as blessed or grateful as all these stay at home moms. I feel guilty because of it. That I would wish to be anywhere else but here at home.
Motherhood makes me crazier than I have ever been! Half of the things I do or say anymore don’t make sense. Like feeling unlucky to stay home. I really couldn’t imagine it any other way but it doesn’t mean I wish to feel this way forever.
I am trying to redefine my views of success. Or what it means to be a mother and still a woman who has dreams. I want my daughters to view me as a successful woman. Who always jumped at the chance to be better or pursue my passions.
I am lucky to be given such beautiful babies and I want to be able to be a good mother to them. I don’t want them to remember me as short tempered and crazy. I want to be patient, loving, and kind with my words. They will do as I do, not as I say.
So I will do what I want today, after I take care of the kids of course. I will pick up a book I want to read or a new shirt I want to wear. I will laugh and play with my kids and try to soak up their smells and sounds because they keep growing before my eyes. I will also try to feel lucky to be here witnessing it first hand, I truly know I am.
If there are any other moms who feel this way. I am glad to know I am not alone. I’m sure you are too. To any full-time working mothers, I don’t know how you do it being away from them all day. I also don’t know how I survive being with mine 24/7.
Remember the grass is only greener where you water it.
Happy hump day from my nest to yours!